Some Biblical Teaching on Sex: A Better Way

The following is a continuation of the sermon I preached on Sunday March 28 entitled, “Lust.” For helpful context, you can find the first two points of the sermon here.

So then what does healthy biblical sexuality look like? We know that lust is the corruption of a good desire that dishonors its object while disregarding God. Conversely, biblical sexuality honors its object and honors God. Since God is the creator of sex and sexual desire, we can be confident that adhering to his gracious rules regarding sex will not rob us of joy, but will actually maximize our joy. In 1 Corinthians 7:2-9, both married and single persons find further guidance on how to be sexual and holy:

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7:2-9

From this passage, we can derive several principles briefly:

• Sexual activity is to be reserved only for your spouse and for no one else. As Paul writes in verse 2, “…each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” You are not to have anyone else but your spouse, either physically or by way of fantasy. Wait, even fantasy is contrary to God’s good design for sex? Yes. Jesus said, “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) Even to be mentally engaged in sexual activity with someone besides our spouse robs us of God’s good intentions for us in sex.

• Both husband and wife are mutually responsible to give themselves sexually (and in every other way) to their spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:3 “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Of course, sinful people will take and distort these verses and use them abusively. Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5 about husbands sacrificially loving their wives, and wives respecting their husbands are not to be divorced from the teaching of this passage. Sexual intimacy in marriage works best as the culmination of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Where those are lacking, physical intimacy will either be absent, or less than mutually fulfilling.

• The healthy expression of sexual desire should be a regular part of married life. As we read in 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” So, ordinarily, married people should not be depriving one another of sexual intimacy. However, there are times and seasons in which married people must restrain their sexual desires through abstinence. For example, abstinence will be required during times of physical separation, illness, or in some cases, for the purpose of giving yourselves more fully to prayer for a time. But abstinence should not be the married couple’s normal approach to sex. In other words, if you are married, you do not have the gift of celibacy; you have the gift of sex. And you should enjoy that gift together regularly. “Regular” sexual intimacy varies according to age, health, and season of life. But a lack of sexual intimacy in marriage because of a poor relationship is as much contrary to God’s design for sex as any expression of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

If you’re not experiencing sexual intimacy in marriage, the answer is not to suffer in silence or find other outlets for your sexual desire. The biblical answer is to repent of those sins that are blocking sexual intimacy from occurring and do whatever it takes to build a healthy relationship where intimacy can flourish on every level. I don’t pretend this is easy. But we should also not pretend that it’s optional. Take advantage of the counseling ministry our church offers to help you apply the truth of the gospel to yourselves and your marriage. Of course, many feel stuck in marriages where their spouse is unwilling to work at it. Devoting yourself to prayer for your spouse and marriage, as well as doing your own heart work are worth the effort even if your spouse is unwilling to go along. Sometimes your own growth can be a catalyst for change in the marriage, but even if it is not, you will be better for it.

• For the single person, abstinence is the appropriate response to sexual desire. Paul writes in verses 8-9, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” I want to make this very clear. He doesn’t say that if you are unmarried or you are widowed then you should have a sexual relationship with the person you are dating, or devote yourself to pornography, or pass your days living in sexual fantasyland. He says, if your sexual desire is such that it is apparent you do not have the gift of celibacy, then you should pursue marriage. If on the other hand, you are well able to control your sexual desire then you may well have the gift of celibacy that Paul had and you should not get married regardless of cultural pressures to do so. To be single and celibate is as faithful a way to be a Christian as to be married and sexually active.

And according to Paul, singleness and celibacy is the preferred option of the two. But it’s not for everybody. To those of you who are single and therefore called to celibacy at the present time, the Lord is with you and his grace is sufficient for you to live out this calling. And likewise, for you who are married and called to sexual intimacy with your spouse, the Lord is with you and his grace is sufficient for you to live out this calling.

Whether we are married or single, it is important that we realize that sex is not a requirement for human fulfillment. Sex is a wonderful gift when enjoyed according to the parameters God has given us in his Word, but sex is not ultimate. At its best, sex points us to what is ultimate: our union with Christ now by faith, and the promise that one day, every desire will find its truest fulfillment in him.